It's the hope that kills you

 New slabs are coming, but I'll pause the series until they arrive. 

My wife was supposed to have surgery yesterday. And technically she did have a procedure. But not the one we wanted.

Quick recap: she was on chemo for just over a year. The cancer did not spread past her liver/colon, but various side effects prompted her doctors to keep changing her meds. One was so bad she lost her appetite for three weeks, dropped to 110 lb, and was too weak to climb stairs or talk more than a few seconds. It was a nightmare. That was in February, when she spent a week in the hospital. They switched her chemo, attached a feeding tube to her, and sent her home with boxes of liquid meals. She got better.

We were referred to a surgeon at Sloan Kettering, who told her that he could remove all the tumors if she gets her strength up. He gave her two jobs: eat, and walk. She kind of ate more. She did not walk.

Oh, and she would have to stop her chemotherapy treatments in the weeks leading up to surgery. 

She was tentatively scheduled for late August/early September, but moved up to August 7 because that was the earliest all three of the surgeons would be available at once. Her appetite returned. She stopped using the liquid food. She had good days and bad days. Sloan scheduled her for pre-op testing and scans.

Meanwhile, I binge watched Ted Lasso - a show I'd been meaning to watch since it premiered five years ago. I wanted to watch it with my wife, but we weren't about to subscribe to whatever streaming service it was on just for one show. DVDs are still a thing. I re-installed my old computer because my new laptop doesn't have a DVD drive, and watched the first few episodes. 

If you're not familiar with the show, it's about a folksy college football coach who is hired by an English Premier League team (AFC Richmond) to coach the other football. He knows nothing about the game and his presence is seen as a farce by both the press and the players. 

The owner only hired him to sabotage the club - which her awful ex-husband loved more than her. It's a little bit Major League at first, but not for long. 

Ted Lasso doesn't know a damn thing about tactics - his assistant/best friend Coach Beard helps out with that, along with the club's kit man (think clubhouse attendant) Nate Shelley. Slowly Ted wins over his team with his endless positivity. He convinces them to believe. He hangs a sign above the doorway. 

I had a checkup with my doctor last Monday. My wife and I have the same GP (who is an awesome lady) so I asked her to come with. She got a call on the way there and didn't answer it. 

When the doctor's assistant led me into the exam room I had my wife come with me. We waited together. Her mother called me. Why the fck is D's mom calling me? 

The surgeon was trying to contact her and she didn't answer. So they called her emergency contact - my mother in law - who also couldn't get a hold of her. And so D tried to call her surgeon's office. I asked her to go out in the waiting room so I could focus on myself. My blood pressure would go sky high if she spoke to her doctor while I met with mine. 

My awesome doc finally entered. I told her what was wrong, and why my blood pressure was high. She prescribed a mood stabilizer and told me she wouldn't scold me for the daily energy drink consumption since I have so much on my plate right now. When the checkup was over, she sent me to the waiting room until her assistant was ready to draw some blood. Then she saw my wife, and hugged her. 

Awesome Doc looked for an open exam room. "Do you want me to come?" I asked. 

"You need to." My wife replied.

She had spoken to her doctor. The scans revealed that the cancer had spread. Surgery was no longer an option.

Oh, and she has 4-6 months to live.

At the end of Season 1, Ted Lasso's AFC Richmond are playing their former superstar's new club Manchester City. They need at least a tie in order to avoid relegation, but City are very tough. 

This episode is named after a phrase their supporters say to each other, "It's the hope that kills you."

Until this episode, the show was a much-needed distraction from D's health issues. But this one hit home. 

Work days have been really tough. Customers and co-workers bugging me about the most petty shit. I started taking the meds my doctor prescribed. They helped a little, until this past Tuesday.

I was in the office for about a half hour when my wife called me. Her surgeon wanted her to go to the emergency room. I told my boss I had to go, and he understood. Petty bullshit continued to pile up. 

The surgeon said she looked yellow, because her liver was backed up. They put in a stent to get her flowing again. She's already home. 

Will this improve her prognosis? Who knows. I'm trying to be optimistic. I'm trying to believe. 

Thanks for reading.

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